Recently I read a rather trashy book called the Godfather, you may have seen a film based on it. It was excellent however; a gripping read which got me thinking. It got me thinking about how easy it would be to set up a mafia family somewhere.  Surely, I thought, you’d just need a mixture of intelligence and some muscle and right there you’ve got some sort of reincarnation of the Capones, hopefully without any stays at Alcatraz.

Before I continue, all of this is purely an idea and I don’t endorse doing it in any way whatsoever. I thought America already has its gangsters, as does Japan, Russia and pretty much every large country in the world. However, after a bit of though I decided on India as my country of choice. You see India does indeed already have an organized crime sector set up in its major cities. Indeed, a man called Dawood Ibrahim already appears to have a grip on organized crime in the area, and he seems to be a despicable example of human nature.

However, based on a rather shoddy understanding of India, and encouraged by the recent news of the failure that was the preparation for the Delhi Commonwealth Games 2010, I have come to understand that corruption in India appears to be rife. One thing I certainly learnt from the Godfather is that organized crime can’t go well if based on violence, instead it requires as many contacts in politics and the police as can be possibly be made. Of course, these relationships can be built up naturally, however it seems the way into their hearts is through a few subtle backhanders. Of course, to avoid scandal, you would also have to set up a legitimate business dealing in something, say, like tea.

Once the law, justice system and police force is on your side surely your “Family Business” would be able to sail an easy course of success. Obviously their would be opposing syndicates, which would have to be treated like other competing states where after diplomacy had broken down war would be declared. However, hopefully all-out violence could be avoided in most situations.

As for the structure of the business, and this is where I think the idea excels, like all large crime syndicates there would be a variety of levels. There would be me, “Don Caligula”, at the top of the pile back here in the UK. Also there would be my advisor, we can call him Engelbert. Next there would be my Indian link, stationed in somewhere in Eastern Europe. Then there would be the two Indian captains based in the city I choose to occupy. They would choose their lieutenants who would in turn choose their privates. Why all of this structure? Mainly so that if one of the privates were caught there would be a huge chain of betrayals before the crime was brought back to Don Caligula. Secondly, even if the crimes where linked to me there would be a lengthy extradition process, especially as if the crime reaches my Indian link I would move to Switzerland.

And so there it is, the great Trident Tea mafia group, laid out for all to see…

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Have Britain and America fallen out ‘big time’?

The fact that one of our largest companies, BP, has covered America’s beaches and nature reserves in oil has apparently driven a rift between the two countries the size of the Atlantic Ocean.

The turmoil began on the 20^th April, when BP’s ‘Deepwater Horizon’ oil rig blew up, killing 11 crew member. The US Government are angry because the rig did not have proper measures installed, and had malfunctioning equipment that was not repaired, so  thousands of barrels per day have since leaked from the snapped pipe beneath the destroyed oil rig. What the USA are also annoyed about is the fact that the rig did not have a cut off valve on the pipe, so that when the pipe to the rig snapped, oil was free to pump out into the Gulf of Mexico, even though US law does not say that such equipment is necessary, which is the case in all European oil drilling nations. The two nations, which for the past century have been about as separable, in the immortal words of Edward Blackadder, as “a Frenchman living next to a brothel”, have fallen out hugely over the disaster. It seems that somehow, us giving America a ‘thousand barrels per day’ of black gold, is wrong! I suppose it is quite like a homeless man throwing an oil drum full of pound coins at Bill Gates!

Barack Obama, saviour of the world, has even likened the spill to 9/11. Okay America, so why don’t you invade France over their “weapons of mass destruction” , steal their oil, and then come after us when Tony Hayward, the ‘most hated man in America’ has already gone to hide in some cave in Scotland.

Having said all that, I don’t even dislike America.

Some of their ideas, such as the cheeseburger, Television dramas, and Sarah Palin are not all bad.

But still, can Obama not see that torturing BP is really not doing any good for anyone? BP, as David Cameron so valiantly praised it, is the provider of millions of British pensions. At a time when the world is only just emerging from the largest recession for 70 years, is it really a good thing to prod one of the most fragile and major economies in the world? It is very irresponsible of America. If anything, they should be to blame, for the lack of legislation in their laws that states that oil rigs must have a ‘Blowout Preventer’, as the laws of nearly every other major drilling nation says there must be. BP didn’t really do anything wrong, they did not go against US law any more than any of the US oil companies drilling in the Gulf of Mexico. A US public servant hired to look at the rest of the oil rigs in the bay said that every single other company was not prepared for if such a horrific event happened on any of their rigs. All of them had just the same faults as BP did, and any such accidents on any other rig would result in the same catastrophe as is currently happening.

Don’t get me wrong, I agree that the Gulf of Mexico spill is a horrific incident, and the company involved should have to pay, but it is the fault of not just BP, but of the US government, of all of the companies drilling oil in the Gulf of Mexico, and especially of human nature. So BP shouldn’t be the only one to pay. One thing is for certain, America should get out their buckets and scoop up the oil floating around in their bay, ‘cause BP certainly aren’t going to give them any more.

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